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ALTERNATIVE CREW HANDBOOK!

Kitchen

Obviously in kitchen the priority is to cook what food you have to with as little effort as possible. The golden rule in all instances is therefor, “more food less often”. Always cook in the highest runs possible. SO, depending on your store, you should cook big macs in runs of 6 or 12, regulars in runs of 9 or 18, etc.

Kitchen should function as a team, it should be non-hierarchical and based on direct democracy. If the person on wrap and call is being a dick then the others should vote to replace him or her. If the person doesn’t comply then immediately everyone should go on a go slow. At busy periods a five minute go slow can lead to production being completely lost. Our collective strength is never more obvious than when a group of friends work together in kitchen. Here are a few specific notes:

Wrap and Call

This position, if occupied by a penis, can fuck up everyone’s day. When you’re on wrap and call your main objective is to make sure that everyone in kitchen has as easy a day as possible. So, “two sandwiches please” isn’t going to make any friends is it? Also, don’t tell people what to do, make suggestions. Don’t turn into a petty tyrant burger boy. In order to perform your role to the best of your ability you will need to cheat with time cards- when the food goes out of time, replace the time card, when the new card is out of time, replace it again. Keep this going until all the food is either sold or grows legs and runs away of its own accord. If you want this to go unnoticed then a good trick is to ask managers to throw token bits of food out from time to time- “could you throw out the first quarter please” makes it sound like you give a fuck and the manager doesn’t know the quarter she throws out (and all the others in the bin) saw action in Vietnam. The food tastes like shit whether it’s fresh or has just got its bus pass.

Grill

It’s pretty self-explanatory, you slap down meat when you can be fucked. One little thing, if you’re using a damaged Teflon and it’s ripping all the meat but you can’t be bothered changing it, just sprinkle salt liberally on the frozen patties before latching the grill. The meat will come up in one piece and the customers will eventually die of heart attacks which means there will be less of the bastards to serve. If you have to clean a grill, then don’t worry about the top platen, just change the Teflon round and claim you’re helping the openers. This saves a lot of time and has the added advantage that over time it can lead to carbon build up which can warp a grill causing McDonalds considerable expense. Bonus!

Dressing

The pickle just gets thrown on the ground anyway so don’t bother with it. There’s probably no need to use mustard either. Also, you know how your hands end up stinking of onion, pickle, mustard, all sorts of shit? Well especially if you’re going out later, wear plastic gloves so you don’t smell so bad when you’re trying to pull someone.

Buns

Be creative, Mac crowns can go in the regular toaster, regular buns in the Mac toaster, use your imagination.

Chicken

Keep your holding levels very high and cook everything in big runs.

DPSC

Everyone else just copies it from a couple of days ago..

Filtering

The equipment will almost certainly not all be present in a useable condition. So refuse to do it. If they complain then ignore human resources and go straight to the health and safety executive (UK- 0171 717 6000) or the equivalent organisation where you work. If you do, do the filtering, a good trick is to get a metal jug and (very carefully!) scoop hot oil from other vats and pour it down the sides of the vat you’re filtering clearing any debris.

Read this! Get paid your full wages

The outrageously titled Everything you ever wanted to know about stealing from McD's!

Know your rights!

How to pass your day- Ten things to do in McDonalds when it's dead

Recipes! - Break time never tasted so good!

John Wayne's bumper guide to the job: Kitchen Front counter Backroom, cleaning, trashwalks

Got a scam you want to share with your colleagues? Let us know

And remember kids...

"Our competitors can try to copy many of our secrets, but they cannot duplicate our pride, our enthusiasm and our dedication for this business. There is no single factor more important than the dedication and effort of McDonald's employees. The McDonald's spirit is exclusively ours and yours." Andrew Taylor, President and CEO of McDonalds UK

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