Who are the shadowy burger flippers plotting to bring
Like Jeffrey Archer and paedophiles, McDonalds hasnt had
great PR in recent years. Whether its stoat-smelling crusties lobbing
bricks through its windows or apocryphal tales about various foreign bodies
being found in their Big Macs, the reputation of the fast-food titans
has taken a severe bashing. And now even its own workers want to raze
the golden arches to the ground.
Not content with earning £4.00 an hour, getting a free uniform
and as many fishburgers as they can eat, a group of disgruntled Glaswegian
burger flippers have got together to form The McDonalds Workers
Resistance. Fed up with what they allege to be low wages, dirty working
conditions, idiotic company propaganda and tyrannical bosses,
the MWR have produced their own mag, McSues, a piss-take of the company
newsletter McNews. And they're pretty fired up.
After years of capitulating to the company's ridiculous rules,
of having to submit to the authority of one of the most laughable, inhuman
institutions ever to plague the earth, we've finally found a voice,
spokesperson for the MWR. Fuck your company, we laugh at it,
it doesn't mean shit to us- it feels great to say it. And we're
lucky because through McSues we are able to say what so many others are
thinking. We dont want to prostitute our lives and resign ourselves
to a life of drudgery, and thats what McJobs mean.
McSues is an excellent handbook for anybody who has ever had to scoop
fries and slosh a mop round the latrines while still flashing a smile
for the customers. The magazine urges its readers to sabotage the
company by unplugging equipment, working at the pace of a constipated
man, and acting deliberately stupid in front of customers. They
also advocate the stealing of happy toys.
Oh fuck aye, adds the spokesperson. Everyone's got
a wee nephew or a wee sister, or a kid of their own who has been indoctrinated
into wanting McDonalds shitty toys. Actually, the happy toys are
great because the people who design them are obviously taking the piss.
Like there was one which had to be withdrawn. We
always just called it 'the dildo', because it was just a big fucking erection.
It was even pink and kind of veined. And customers were bringing this
thing back and saying 'I'm not giving that to my three year old
The bitterest bile is reserved for that stripy-legged buffoon and Fergie
look-a-like, Ronald McDonald. McSues contains the fictional secret diary
of the creepy clown, who spews down his dungarees, fucks a chicken
and sexually assaults Spunky the Cocker Spaniel (another inappropriately
named happy toy).And these workers may have an average age of just 20,
but forget the Beavis and Butthead stereotype.
MWR season their talk with words like insubordination and
syndicalism". Whats more, two of them
are rabid vegetarians.
McDonalds know that the MWR exist, but theyve failed to trace
the treacherous tykes. We are not anti-union, says a spokeswoman
for the corporation. We simply prefer to consult directly with staff.
The MWR believe theyll be forced DHSS-wards when McDonalds
discovers who they are. But the fast-food freedom-fighters shrug indifferently
and issue the following missive: Most of us get through our shifts
by taking the piss out of the company. Were still in the early stages,
but already it has reminded workers that they're not alone in how they
feel about the company. McDonalds may soon be surprised the
workers united are more powerful than they can possibly imagine.
Watch your back, Ronald."
Christian Koch. Loaded Magazine, March 2002. @nti-copyright.