"McREVOLUTION

Who are the shadowy burger flippers plotting to bring down McDonalds?

Like Jeffrey Archer and paedophiles, McDonald’s hasn’t had great PR in recent years. Whether it’s stoat-smelling crusties lobbing bricks through its windows or apocryphal tales about various foreign bodies being found in their Big Macs, the reputation of the fast-food titans has taken a severe bashing. And now even its own workers want to raze the golden arches to the ground.

Not content with earning £4.00 an hour, getting a free uniform and as many fishburgers as they can eat, a group of disgruntled Glaswegian burger flippers have got together to form The McDonald’s Workers Resistance. Fed up with what they allege to be low wages, dirty working conditions, “idiotic company propaganda” and tyrannical bosses, the MWR have produced their own mag, McSues, a piss-take of the company newsletter McNews. And they're pretty fired up.

“After years of capitulating to the company's ridiculous rules, of having to submit to the authority of one of the most laughable, inhuman institutions ever to plague the earth, we've finally found a voice,” spits a spokesperson for the MWR. “‘Fuck your company, we laugh at it, it doesn't mean shit to us’- it feels great to say it. And we're lucky because through McSues we are able to say what so many others are thinking. We don’t want to prostitute our lives and resign ourselves to a life of drudgery, and that’s what McJobs mean.”

McSues is an excellent handbook for anybody who has ever had to scoop fries and slosh a mop round the latrines while still flashing a smile for the customers. The magazine urges its readers to sabotage the company by unplugging equipment, working at the pace of a “constipated man”, and acting deliberately stupid in front of customers. They also advocate the stealing of happy toys.

“Oh fuck aye,” adds the spokesperson. “Everyone's got a wee nephew or a wee sister, or a kid of their own who has been indoctrinated into wanting McDonald’s shitty toys. Actually, the happy toys are great because the people who design them are obviously taking the piss. Like there was one which had to be withdrawn. We always just called it 'the dildo', because it was just a big fucking erection. It was even pink and kind of veined. And customers were bringing this thing back and saying 'I'm not giving that to my three year old daughter'.

The bitterest bile is reserved for that stripy-legged buffoon and Fergie look-a-like, Ronald McDonald. McSues contains the fictional secret diary of the creepy clown, who “spews down his dungarees, fucks a chicken” and sexually assaults Spunky the Cocker Spaniel (another inappropriately named happy toy).And these workers may have an average age of just 20, but forget the Beavis and Butthead stereotype. MWR season their talk with words like “insubordination” and “syndicalism". What’s more, two of them are rabid vegetarians.

McDonald’s know that the MWR exist, but they’ve failed to trace the treacherous tykes. “We are not anti-union,” says a spokeswoman for the corporation. “We simply prefer to consult directly with staff.”

The MWR believe they’ll be forced DHSS-wards when McDonald’s discovers who they are. But the fast-food freedom-fighters shrug indifferently and issue the following missive: “Most of us get through our shifts by taking the piss out of the company. We’re still in the early stages, but already it has reminded workers that they're not alone in how they feel about the company. McDonald’s may soon be surprised – the workers united are more powerful than they can possibly imagine.” Watch your back, Ronald."

Christian Koch. Loaded Magazine, March 2002. @nti-copyright.

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